Cierra "Shooter" Glaude's is a filmmaker and TV director, and in this episode, she shares her upbringing in Mobile, Alabama, her entry into the film industry, and the impact of her brother's passing on her life. Shooter discusses her role as a caretaker in her family, setting boundaries with her mother, and the challenges of being the outspoken eldest daughter. Despite facing tinnitus and complicated family dynamics, Shooter maintains a sense of humor and resilience, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and making the most of life's experiences. Through her story, Shooter exemplifies the strength and growth that come from navigating personal struggles and embracing one's true self.
Cierra Glaude, also known as “Shooter,” Cierra is an accomplished director and filmmaker from Mobile, Alabama. She initiated her career under the guidance of Ava DuVernay, beginning with a role on the film Selma. Cierra’s passion for filmmaking ignited during her tenure at the University of Alabama, where she was instrumental in launching the Black Warrior Film Festival, an experience that paved her path to meeting DuVernay.
Her directorial journey includes four episodes of the series Queen Sugar, where she evolved from a production assistant to a director. Cierra’s directorial acumen extends to other notable TV series such as Power Book IV, BMF, Riverdale, and several others. Her work is marked by a commitment to diverse representation, particularly for people of color, women, and the LGBTQ community. She directed the poignant short film Last Looks, which was showcased at the Urbanworld Film Festival and later featured in Issa Rae’s “#ShortFilmSundays” series on YouTube.
Cierra’s approach to filmmaking is deeply communal and collaborative, often emphasizing the importance of creating films with friends and nurturing relationships on set. She believes in a servant spirit in directing, focusing on serving the story and those who help bring it to life. Her career is characterized by a strong work ethic, personal connection, and joy.
Shooter shared the profound impact of her brother's passing and the challenges she faced in coping with grief and loss. She opened up about her family dynamics, particularly her sometimes fraught relationship with her father and the responsibilities she has taken on as the eldest daughter, and setting personal boundaries. Shooter was candid about her need to protect herself, and the bifurcated self she has constructed—she is "Cierra" in certain situations, and "Shooter" in others. Shooter's remarkable resilience and determination shine brightly, as does her ability to find humor and wisdom in challenging circumstances.
Thank you for listening to Cierra's story, and for being a part of our community. Tune in next week for episode 4 of season 1, and please subscribe.
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Gowri: Welcome to Sense of Self, a podcast about the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what happens when they stop working. I'm your host, Dr. Gowri Aragam.
Cierra: I tell people sometimes that, like, I stole my brother's energy and, like, I didn't let him get all the way out the atmosphere. I snatched him back and I held him in my heart. And so that's why I tell people, like, I have enough energy for two people because I got to live for my brother, too.
Gowri: In today's episode, I talked with Cierra Glaude, better known by her nickname Shooter. She's a writer and director who started out as a production assistant in 2015 on Ava DuVernay's Queen Sugar, a show executive produced by DuVernay and Oprah Winfrey. She directed a short film starring her cousin L.B., called Last Looks, about an esthetician preparing her brother for his final painful performance. By 2021, Shooter had directed four episodes of Queen Sugar, and since then, she has directed episodes of 20s, P-Valley, Riverdale, and Power Book Force, amongst others. In our conversation, we talked about what directing has taught her about the role she plays in her family. We also talked about how she coped after the death of her brother, and how tonight's diagnosis transformed her relationship with grief and loss. It's important to note that these discussions do not constitute mental health care. Each guest has given their consent to participate, has had full control over what aspects of their journey were shared, and either currently engages in therapy or has done so in the past. I would love if I just could learn more about you, like just your name, where you're from, kind of how you grew up.
Cierra: So I'm Cierra "Shooter" Glaude. Back at home, you'll hear us calling ourselves the Glaudes because, you know, that's just how we grew up saying our name, but it's supposed to be Glaude. I'm from Mobile, Alabama, born and raised. I'm a filmmaker. I'm a TV director. So that's what I'm out here in these streets doing. But yeah, I just I came up in Mobile, Alabama as a young gay black girl, just trying to figure out my place in the world. And I wound up getting into film like late in high school, barely just as the junior class president, SGA president and stuff like that. And then in college, I started taking some classes. I realized like, hey, like this ain't so it's kind of fun. And my teachers were like, hey, you're pretty good at this. And so I started making films with my peers on campus and stuff like that. I also used to shoot for the Black Greeks. That's how I got the name Shooter. I was in a dining hall one day and this kid comes up to me. He's like, hey, you're the Shooter, aren't you? I said, well, I guess I am. And so I went outside and changed my Instagram name and then just continue making films with my peers until one day we had a student-run film festival at the University of Alabama that we were doing. And we swindled Ava DuVernay into coming down. This was about a month before she did Selma. And my film professor had worked with her and was like, hey, like, Our students at this Black Warrior Film Fest, and I bless A, it was hard. She thought Black Warrior like Wakanda, right? It's the name of the river that the school sat on. So she came, and then me and her hit it off, and I told her, I was like, hey, I'm the one you need, and I'm finna work on, you know, your movie. So what I gotta do? And then she let me work on Selma, and then I followed her around over the years, doing different projects. Winded up dropping out of school to, you know, pursue working with her and things like that. Then me and her, she invited me to do Queen Sugar where on the first season I was a first team PA and then by the fifth season I was directing after I did a couple shorts of my own and then she gave me three episodes. Fifth season I got an episode on the sixth season as well. And then in the first two years of directing, I've directed 14 episodes of television. It's been a wild ride just paying off all my teenage angst and just finding what I was good at and just stumbling upon that. So that's the very abridged and abbreviated version. Getting me out of Mobile, Alabama to now I've been living in LA for about five years and just traveling all over between New York and Vancouver and Chicago and New Orleans shooting all these TV shows.
Gowri: What stuck out to me there is just how casually you shared how you approached Ava DuVernay and told her like, you need me like that takes gumption. Is that is that a way you describe yourself like since you were a kid, like having that kind of gumption? Or is that something you developed over time?
Cierra: I would say so. I think it was always in me, although I did spend a little time in Catholic schools. And so sometimes that can feel a little oppressive, especially, again, when you're a young gay Black girl in the South. And so there was a lot of things at a certain point that I had to unlearn. But I think I've always just had, like, a certain, like, straightforwardness about me. What did you have to unlearn? the catholic church teaches you that homosexuality is wrong and you're going to hell and all this stuff i had to deal with like um when i was dragged out the closet because i did not step out gracefully my daddy reached in and snatched me out and then there was like this whole big thing they would say stuff to me like well that's an abomination and all of this other stuff i went to the scriptures and i sent them back you ain't supposed to be eating shellfish and you're not supposed to be eating pork and i just made you a ham sandwich the other day so come up off it you know what i'm saying i'm like Don't pick and choose when it comes to me and what I got going on when you technically, if you want to go buy the book that you're trying to throw at me, because I'm going to throw it right back. And it was just, it was interesting operating in that space because I was a pretty public figure at the school. I was the junior class president. And then when I became the SGA president, my senior year, and I'm responsible for the announcements and I'm responsible for the pep rallies. I am the personality of the pep rallies. And so I was out there with my mid top force Air Force ones, my dickies and like my cousin's football jersey and a hair full of plants. And you know what was going on if you had eyes. You know what I'm saying? They didn't care. I was an elected official. You feel me? My parents didn't care. I had a little slight pushback from somebody, not necessarily the administration, but somebody to teach us a side line a little bit, especially just how I talk. Because I choose country grammar, but I'm smart as a whip. You know what I'm saying? They really couldn't say nothing to me, but they would try. And I would just be like, this is how I'm delivering. This is my delivery and it's nothing wrong with that. And so when you have to go through that as a teenager and constantly just feel like the black sheep and there's this onus on you and stuff like that. When you come up out of those scenarios, you just have to unlearn and get that off. You got to like purge and like detox all of that, whatever y'all got going on.
Gowri: It sounds like to some degree while you're able to kind of be like, no, I'm going to throw this back at you if you throw it at me, right? You're also kind of getting at while being able to do that at the same time, there's like a part of you that internalizes it, right? It's like you want to fight back. You want to push back. You want to showcase the hypocrisy. And at the same time, yeah, it can sometimes still stick with you, right? Like it still can plant a seed somewhere in your head, right? And so I'm just curious, like, did you feel that way? Like, when did you realize you even had something to unlearn? I guess is my is the question there.
Cierra: I think, honestly, while I was unlearning, like while I was learning all of the other stuff, so to say, like, especially when, you know, you're in a position, I mean, it's like, this can't be right, you know what I'm saying? So like you said, you internalize it a little bit and you kind of get in your head a little bit, you're like, Is this wrong? Like, is something wrong with me? I'm like, but I didn't choose this for myself. You know what I'm saying? And so it's like, while it's being told to you, you're kind of like dodging a little bit. You're like, yeah, this ain't quite right. This don't really resonate with me and stuff like that. And so it's like you don't fully grasp it.
Gowri: You talked about how you became Shooter in college. If you had to describe, like, who Ciara is to you versus who Shooter is? What would you say?
Cierra: I tell people this all the time. Shooter goes to set and Ciara goes home. Now Shooter, that's forward facing, you know what I'm saying? That's the personality. That's the one that's out there doing the mingling, doing all of the talking and stuff like that. Ciara though, Ciara is at home chilling, quiet. And I'm probably over here taking a nap. or like eating something out of, you know, like a delicious bowl and like falling asleep on the couch. And Ciara does all the jet skiing and the dirt biking and stuff like that. I just bought a dirt bike the other day and I was like, I'm healing my inner child because I had these things when I was younger and those are the things I grew up, you know, having fun with and stuff like that. And so like Ciara has those things because they keep her sane enough to do Shooter. Ciara is the personal and then like Shooter is like,
Gowri: the business. I'm actually curious about your family situation because you mentioned that your dad is the one who dragged you out of the closet. And if you're comfortable talking about that, I would just love to learn more about your family, like who's in your family and the relationships you have with them.
Cierra: Yeah, absolutely. I love talking about them. I'm obsessed with them. Absolutely. So first and foremost, you got my favorite ever, my mom. And so my mom, Tracy, she's just the sweetest lady ever. She's a nurse. She's a caretaker. She's worked in hospice. So that's her vibe. People say that I am like 50-50, like my mom and my dad. And I kind of am because like for my mom is where I get like my gentle, like caretaking, nurturing, loving side. You know what I'm saying? And then you got my dad, Scooter. That's his name. Scooter, Scooter Pop. Yeah, so then you got Scooter. And so me and my dad had a good relationship for the first decade of my life until I got thrown in the middle of one of his affairs or his affair. I don't know how many, but And that was like a big thing because just the realization around that, like I was, he was my basketball coach when I was younger and stuff like that. So when he started missing some of my stuff and I was at this other lady's house, he was supposed to be working on it, like then it all kind of hit the fan and came out. And my mom was like, your dad is not at your stuff because he's over here. And I was like, oh my God, like I've been there. And it was like this huge blow up and like falling out after that. So around the time I was between 10 and 12, that's when me and my dad, our relationship took a turn. And now we still have our back and forth moments because me, I ain't no sucker. And if you doing something wrong, I'm going to tell you. You know what I'm saying? I feel like an advocate and a martyr for a lot of people in my family sometimes because a lot of people don't want to speak up to him and stuff like that. But I say it with my chest. and stuff like that. And if somebody else don't want to say it, I'm going to say it for them and let you know what's up. Because I just don't feel like you should reward bad behavior. I don't care who you are. And so that's my mom and my dad. And my dad is very much also he's a he's a mason. He's a construction kind of guy. And he also likes a lot of toys. So that's where I get my love of my jet skis and things like that. But like I get a lot of that knowledge and like that handiness from him. So then you get my sister Jordan. We've always been pretty close, like when we're together people think we're twins and stuff like that. And then under her is my brother Hayden. He just turned 18 like two weeks ago. He got, he has Down syndrome. And so that's another place where I get like my caretaking nature too, just you know. taking care of him and stuff like that. And he's just the funniest, coolest guy. And then you got my youngest sister, Madison. We're all pretty much like horse people and stuff like that. But Madison is the newest, like, real serious horse girl of the family. Then, you know, I just try to just give her tips that I have from my wisdom and tell her, you know, hey, you can make money doing anything you want to do in the world. So if you want to do horses or whatever in the case and just trying to steer her in that direction. So my dad had a son named Kristen. He was my half brother. And he actually passed when I was a junior in high school. And so he was like my best friend. We used to do a lot of stuff together. Just super dope guy. Everybody knew him. Everybody loved him. And I took his death really hard because it was sudden. You know what I'm saying? He died in a motorcycle accident. So he passed when he was 23. I was like a few weeks shy of like my 17th birthday. And that was like a really hard thing for me. And in high school, I had a drinking problem because I was just in the throes of grief. Like, how could this happen? He was like the most handsome guy you've ever seen. Just like a good dude. And had a wife and a young daughter. And so I was just really devastated behind that. And I took it really hard. He always encouraged me. You know what I'm saying? He would show up to my basketball games. He would help me learn new moves and stuff like that. We would ride my dirt bike and stuff around. So, like, that was my guy.
Gowri: You mentioned how, like, soon after he had passed away, you felt like in high school you were drinking a lot. You were… in that space kind of trying to make sense of it all. So to come out of that to where you are now is not easy because some people stay stuck in that phase for their whole life and it's really sad to see and it can be really devastating for a family but it sounds like you were in that phase and then you came out of it somehow on the other side. And I'm just wondering if we could just talk about what that was like for you to kind of be in the phase of mourning and if you remember even what it was or who it was that helped you kind of move forward into a different perspective.
Cierra: I do remember there was a time where I had my brother's obituary in the top of my binder and I would go to school with water bottles filled with vodka. And I was just being the back of the class, squeezing this little plastic water bottle and being drunk as a skunk and then going into my guidance counselor's office. And I went and sat there and I just looked at her. I just fell asleep looking at her. I was just looking at her and I just fell asleep. And then I vaguely kind of remember a few moments as I was on the edge of falling asleep. The principal walked in. and to tell her something and then she looked at me and they both just looked at me and the principal motioned for the guidance counselor to leave the office and she cut the light off so I could just sleep and just have a you know have a moment and stuff like that and so like people knew that I was like in the throes of it and stuff like that I didn't really like get reprimanded for that or anything I think they just knew you know what I'm saying they're like busting at her about it ain't gonna help like she's going through it. So I just had a couple more moments where, you know, throughout the next couple years, I was like sloppy drunk, like partying with friends and stuff like that. And then I think I just, I think I just got tired of it one day or just like being in that. And I was like, man, like, forget this like there has to be a point i was like all right this is rock bottle so let's figure out where we go from here so i don't remember like the exact switch i think i just got tired of being in that place and then i just made the upswing and i think it was i'm not gonna say it was like a fairly quick thing but i think it was also like one of those situations where it's like I had to start making some decisions because when this all happened, I was a junior in high school. And then like the next year, you know, I'm a senior, I'm doing all these other things. And then I'm about to have to go out, out into the world and do my own thing. So I had to figure it out a little bit there. Grief isn't linear, you know, and grief doesn't have any time restraints or anything like that so it's just also balancing that like over the years going through college and having two times of the year that would like really mess me up and stuff like that but again just taking that reminder to be like all right bro like watch this i'm
Gowri: Wondering if you remember at all in those, in you said that rock bottom time or in that period of time, if you felt you as a, as a person were just different now. And did you ever feel that way or did it ever feel like you would ever feel like yourself again, whatever that meant?
Cierra: I feel what you're saying. I felt like there was a reckoning that I had where I was like, all right, things will literally never be the same. You know what I'm saying? Like I won't ever be that version of myself that had my brother. You know what I'm saying? And so there was a moment of like, all right, knowing that things are never going to be the same. You're always going to carry this bag of grief with you. You know, do you get used to the bag of grief? I feel like I didn't get used to it. Like the weight of it became easier to carry all over the first couple of years before I had built up that muscle. You know what I'm saying? It was like dragging this terrible thing. But I don't think that I really ever felt like, oh my God, I don't know who I am anymore or anything like that. I just felt like there was a phase in my life that had ended and I had to like accept it and figure out where I was going to go from there.
Gowri: When you shared what you did about kind of like being the class, the elected official of your class and kind of how you presented yourself, what you wore and how, quote, quote, obvious it was, if you could see what was in front of you. Right. That describes like a person in their teenage years who had like a really strong sense of who they were. Right. Or how they want to at least present themselves. And I'm just curious if you can where that came from, if you had to reflect back on it.
Cierra: For a second, I tried the girly thing. I think it was like the first day of like seventh or eighth grade. I tried to go with like some little bangles and like some fitted jeans and like a little purse. Tell me why I lost my purse before first period. And I didn't even know it. They called me into the office and were like, hey, you're missing something. And I'm like, I have no idea what you guys are talking about. You pulled me out of class for what? And then they held up from like slowly and comically from behind the table, held up this like baby blue purse. And I was looking, and it still didn't even hit me. I was like, oh, I brought, that's supposed to be mine. And they were like, we knew it was yours because there was some identification in there or whatever. I was like, if you could just give me my stuff out of there, like you can keep the purse, give it to somebody else. And I took off. And so like that kind of died pretty quickly. I think also when I moved back to Alabama for high school, I tried the girly thing very briefly one more time. Again, I'm at a Catholic high school, like I'm trying not to get, you know, struck down. And stuff like that. So I tried it and I was like bro, this is not me bro Like i'm not finna wake up and try to put up i'm in high school I'm not putting on a full face of makeup cuz and i'm at band practice i'm sweating I don't want to wear all of this like fitted stuff. They already got me in skirts and oxfords Then the tipping point really, even though I had stopped doing all the girly stuff and I was just coming as my regular little gay self, the extra power that I got was after my brother passed. Because I was like, first of all, when people, in the days following, when people were going on with their normal lives, I was like, what is happening? the world has shut down for me. You know what I'm saying? And so I tell people sometimes that, like, I stole my brother's energy and, like, I didn't let him get all the way out the atmosphere. I snatched him back and I held him in my heart. And so that's why I tell people, like, I have enough energy for two people because I got to live for my brother, too.
Gowri: You just being you is keeping your brother alive, right? Like you being you is like honoring him and maintaining his spirit. And that's a really that's a very special and powerful thing.
Gowri: So, it also feels highly, like, it could either be a lot of pressure or, like, highly motivating. Or maybe both.
Cierra: Yeah, well, it's not really a lot of pressure, because honestly, I feel like I'm crushing it.
Cierra: I mean, you are, you are, you are.
Gowri: So this had a really big impact on who you were straight out of high school. And then you said you went to college and your career started to take off, right? Like fueled by the energy you said you maintained from your brother, Kristen. And you were able to be a part of so many amazing projects and you were crushing it. But then something happened, right? What happened?
Cierra: So I was at home chilling at my house watching a couple episodes of Power Ghost. I had just been sick like a week before and I was nodding off on the couch. It was May 4th. I know this because Cinco de Mayo was the next day and I was having people over. And I went from my couch to my bed and laid my head down. And as soon as my head hit the pillow, my ears started ringing and they never stopped. I managed to go to sleep that night. I think I put some headphones on or whatever. The next morning when I realized it was still there, started like a 10-day streak of me just freaking out about it, not getting no sleep, crying. I was thinking about this last night when I was laying in the bed because I mostly hear it when I wake up or when I go to sleep and it's just quiet. I try not to harp on it too much because it's like one of those things where like my life changed in an instant and I had no idea. My days of experience and silence are behind me. They're long gone. I'll never get that again in my life. I was like, I had a beautiful 31 years of being able to experience silence. So when that tinnitus came on and I couldn't get rid of it and I was freaking out about it and then just doing all the research and the only thing they can tell you is get over it. You gotta habituate. That was pretty hard.
Gowri: Were you leaning on yourself this whole time or did you have other people in your life that were helping you with perspective, helping you cope and get through this?
Cierra: I went through this by myself at first because nobody gets what you're going through because everybody is it's easy for somebody else to forget what's happening to you when it's like a silent thing that's happening. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, people like, oh yes, ears are ringing. They don't care. They don't, you know what I'm saying? And people can care. Like, I wish you weren't going through that, but they don't know the special hell that is my ears ring 24 seven. And they used to not. And so no one would, it could be, you know what I'm saying? It'd be different if this was just how it was and I didn't know no better. And there are some people like that. Some people like, oh, you know what? No, my ears ring. I hear that too. That's just how it is. And I'm like, no, that's not how it was supposed to be, baby.
Gowri: I think you've hit on something that's so important that a good number of people probably relate with, right? Is these things that you deal with silently and it just becomes, oh yeah, Cierra has tinnitus. Oh yeah, so-and-so has pain. Oh yeah, so-and-so has been down. But there's not really a sense of what that looks like and what that really is like for that person. I think when you're going through something like this, it really it's a testament to how far you've come, what you've built for yourself, what you've been open to receiving in times of stress. That is a really special thing that I just wanted to like, I don't know, bring attention to and take a moment to appreciate for you. I see a lot of people who deal with anxiety around tinnitus. That's like a part of my job. And so it's a really difficult, you have to dig deep. And you say things so nonchalantly and you're just like, yeah, I did this. I'm hustling. I'm moving forward. But I just like to slow down and like remind people like what you're doing is not easy. It takes effort. It takes every single day to know that you are the one who gets it and you're the one going through it. Your family, for example, who you typically lean on, who you typically want to just be with and get through this with, has limitations in what they can do. And that is what it is. And you kind of have to accept that and be like, what am I going to do now? You mentioned the anxiety that you felt initially, like that extreme panic. Had you ever experienced that kind of anxiety or panic before in your life, or was this a new experience?
Cierra: Oh, absolutely not. Because I think that kind of panic is different than like when you experience sudden death with somebody like, like with my brother, you know what I'm saying? Because like, technically nobody had died. You know what I'm saying? But something, I felt like something had died, especially like when I was reading all this stuff. And they were like, this is forever. And you're like, Oh my God, forever? Like for it like you mean to tell me I had 31 years of peace and quiet and I will never know that again in my life.
Gowri: You know, you're right. No one had died, but you'd experienced a different kind of loss. And it's a loss that you've actually had to navigate on your own without the support of your family, kind of like you mentioned. But this actually seems pretty consistent with what you were mentioning before, which is that, you know, you're the caretaker of your family. You know, that's your role, right? I'm the big sister.
Cierra: And the fierce oldest daughter. Nothing gets by me. Don't care who you are.
Gowri: Yeah, and on that note, this idea of being a caretaker is really not so different from how you've described yourself as a director as well. You're a director at work, you're a director in life. It's a huge responsibility, so much so that the name Shooter, the name that you go by as a director, has become a permanent part of your name and what you go by. And I'm just curious, what is it about that word, Shooter, that represents and captures who you are?
Cierra: I thought it was interesting that my nickname had become Shooter and my dad's nickname is Scooter. One letter off, you know, but I just thought it was something that was given to me and then it just kind of stuck. Like people call, I have plenty of nicknames from family, friends, you know, all across the board. And that one people just latched onto and ran with, I guess, because they also saw me out there doing the thing that I was claiming to do and that I claimed to be. And so yeah, it just like, you know, grew on me and people just love calling me that. Like when I go to sets and I introduce myself on the first day, I'm like, Hey y'all, I'm Cierra. Some people call me Shooter. You can pick whichever one. I don't care. I answer to both of them. As long as y'all don't call me nothing crazy. So yeah, it just, it just landed at some point and stuck.
Gowri: Yeah. Do you feel ever like, no, that makes sense. Kind of thing just sticking. You can't really put your finger on why. Right.
Cierra: it just stuck to me and i guess because it was fitting at first when you asked i thought when you said the title I thought you meant director And I was like, oh yeah, I'm a director in all sense of the word, professionally and personally. I guess people just look at me to know where we're going in my family as well as on set. Because, hell, I might have the most clues. This is what's interesting. The direction of Shooter on set and the direction of Ciara operating in her personal life, Shooter on set doesn't have to know everything. I just kind of got to have an idea and I have all these people that are there to help me get to where I'm going. And so people just like that aspect of my leading because I'm like, I know where I want to go. I'm flexible on how y'all help me get there, whether it's by this means, that means or the other. Now, on the other side of my family, I got to know where to go and I got to know how to do it because they don't have a fucking clue. They don't know nothing. I recently set up some boundaries with my mom and my sister, one of my sisters. I set up a boundary of like, hey, don't talk to me about Scooter. Don't tell me nothing he says about me.
Gowri: You told me about some stuff that your experience with your dad in the past. And I was wondering if you could talk at all a little bit about when you were younger, right, and you were coming out
Cierra: Well, he drug me out of the closet. I was never gonna tell him. I didn't trust him at that point because he put me in the middle of his affair, was taking me around that lady and her son. And so it's like being in the middle of all of that as a child and having to see that play out. And then it gets to me being persecuted about my weight. and stuff like that. Then it gets to, oh God, I realize I like girls. Lord have mercy. How am I going to deal with this? And me harboring that secret and he forced that out of me and was just so self-righteous about it. Bitch, I was trying to quote the Bible and my dad probably wouldn't even know where to buy a Bible from. You know what I'm saying? And I'm even still dealing with stuff with that, with him feeling a way about that now.
Gowri: You did mention that like when Kristen passed away, I remember you saying something along the lines of that was one of the times where you felt like you had a realization that, oh wait, like the person who was outspoken for me, who protected me is gone. And now that phase is over. And now I have to take on that role. And one, do you feel like that was a time when this kind of outspoken muscle started to get worked out? And two, can you remember like one of the first times where you remember protecting yourself in a situation where maybe he would have protected you had he been there?
Cierra: I was just like, oh my gosh. Because I had seen my brother pick my dad up by my neck, clean off his feet, and was like, stop fucking with my little sister. At some point, yeah, I was just like, dang. And then things just kind of started happening after that. I got drug out of the closet. He was constantly persecuting me because he thought I was fat and making me run around the hospital that was near our house. I couldn't even stand up and go to band practice the next day. because I was having back spasms. And so I felt like I really couldn't stand up for myself until I left that house. And I think I was in my senior year of high school. And one day I was just over it. And I had my cousin come pick me up in the middle of the night. And I stayed at his house and Scooter was up there looking for me at school, but I was hiding in my English teacher's classroom. But I felt I had to get out of that house to be able to start standing up for myself. I felt like once my brother was gone, it was on me. And at that point it was just on me for me. And I went to college and I started getting my wings and getting my independence. And so, yeah, I just, I've been working at Mosul for a long time.
Gowri: Yeah, there's actually an article that came out recently about the kind of invisible play of the oldest daughter, what you go through and how much there's this sort of role placed on oldest daughter sometimes to be caregivers for like the family in a way that's assumed. And my question is always to that article, let alone to you as well, Shidur, You know, sometimes one can take on that role without really questioning it and it feels like it has to happen for the sake of keeping the family together and functioning. You've taken on that role with a lot of gusto, it seems like, and a lot of energy and a lot of this responsibility and attachment to your family. And I'm just curious if you've ever felt like there was a downside to having to play that role.
Cierra: Hell yeah, it's a downside. It's terrible. It sucks. Like, I shouldn't have to do this. But because I love my mom and my siblings like I do, and I'm just trying to bring them to enlightenment. But yeah, I wouldn't wish this on nobody. This is terrible. I was joking not too long ago on Twitter. I was like, being the gatriarch of the family is just so hard i'm the oldest i'm the gayest i'm just i got the most coins like it's me you know what i'm saying and maybe for them it doesn't suck maybe they are fortunate that they have somebody like me i had a tough conversation with my mom recently about some things and one thing i brought up to her in that i said in my birthday shooter face video that y'all surprised me with The first thing that came out your mouth about me was, you are very outspoken. I said, I have reason to believe that you think that is my most admirable quality and that you wish you had more of that. And she agreed to both. And so it's not fun. And I tell my mom and my siblings is what I'm trying to do for them and myself is not fun. It's not easy, but it's necessary because I feel like with them and especially like in the dictatorship they're under, it's like somebody, my dad has his hand over her eyes, right? And he's trying to stiff on me and keep me away. Cause his big thing about me is Cierra's trying to divide and conquer us. And I'm like, my God, you need no help with that. All I'm trying to do is reach over past your stiff arm and rip the blindfold off this lady so she can see what's really going on. Because the only reason he doesn't want me to come around is because he risks being exposed by me saying, hey, this ain't right. You shouldn't do this stuff like that. It's a tough job. I'm trying to learn how to lay down my sword and not be the willing martyr all the time like that's kind of the boundaries i had to set with my mom and my sisters i said hey when i leave here i don't want to hear nothing about him what he says about me what he if he does something to y'all unless it's a life or death situation y'all gotta handle it y'all have to do this because i have to worry about my peace and my You know what I'm saying? All the stuff that I got going on, because I told him, I said, if I go down, who's going to fight for y'all? I said, it got to be y'all. I said, because at some point, like, this is really tiring for me. So I was like, I need y'all to pick up y'all's sores too, so I could take a break.
Gowri: Yeah, I was going to ask you about that. Like, you know, when you talk about putting up that kind of boundary, right? A lot of people who are in your shoes in that position may not even realize that they can, that they should, that it's an option because it can just be so overwhelming. What you're describing is it takes up people's whole world. It kind of makes me think about what you said earlier, which is like your mom and her really appreciating the fact that you are an outspoken person. pros and cons to that. You didn't become that way in the most pleasant circumstances, and you've had to remain that way even when you initially don't want to, right?
Cierra: It's a defense mechanism, basically, yes.
Gowri: Yes. And it's like, oh, mom, you're glorifying something that I've had to do to cope and get by. And on one hand, I appreciate that because you're seeing the strengths of it. Someday, I imagine you'd want her to also see the downsides and the drawbacks of it and how much it's put a burden on you, which sounds like you're trying to do right now to some degree, right? To be clear that this is not just something you get to do for free easily. There's a tax here. And that's a really, that's honesty, right? I think that's, we use that word often, but I think I myself, I'm trying to get a better sense of like, what is honesty? That is a, that is a example of like real, real honesty. You know what I mean? With yourself, other people, with love.
Cierra: I definitely had a very honest conversation with my mom and I was just like, listen, I'm not going to be able to sustain this. You know what I'm saying? And at a certain point, you're going to be on your own. And I said, let me tell you something. You're going to get stuck with the losing team if you don't get with the winning team. And I would hate to see you over there. But I told my mom, and this was so painful to have to tell her. And I cried, I cried, I cried. I said, if you don't start getting this shit together, I'm going to have to write you off as a lost cause. I said, that's going to break my heart. I said, it's breaking my heart to do right now, to even say this to you. I said, but I can't continue like this. I don't deserve this. You don't deserve this. I said, and it's not fair to me that the most stressful thing in my life is how you and my sister allow men to treat y'all. and stress y'all out and just don't value y'all. And I'm like, ma'am, you have one life to live. I just had an existential crisis about death, dying and eternity in the shower the other day. Like I almost had to sit on the floor cause I was like, Oh my God, this is it. This all we got. Never ever will there ever be another world. We'll never exist again. Are you kidding me? And you're letting people treat you like trash? Hell no. Like that's the type of stuff that just gets me going, man. It just burns me. And that's what I have to tell them. I'm like, you need to realize this is your one time in this motherfucker. and you need to get it together and you need to treat yourself better. You know what I'm saying? And stuff like that. So girl, and I told my mom also, I said, on the tip of the outspokenness and stuff, I said, that's a muscle that you have to work out. I said, I didn't just, I wasn't just a bodybuilder one day. I said, I had to work this muscle out by standing up for myself, standing up for y'all. I said, so now I'm ripped. I'm jacked. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, get like me. I said, but that's a muscle that you have to start working out.
Gowri: You mentioned how. never really questioned yourself after your brother died. You kind of just realized like a phase of life was over. And that's how you framed your tinnitus as well. You're like, this phase of my life where I had silence is over and now here I am in this new phase. And you may not realize this, but that is like a highly evolved way to approach life. Well, thank you. Like, it's not funny. I'm not laughing. It's funny. I'm just laughing because it's like, you know, what do you do, right? Like, it's like a different thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cierra: No, listen, I'm laughing because I appreciate that. And people always tell me, they be like, girl, you be having some fucked up stuff happening to you. At a certain point, like, I laugh about it because I'm just like, this is crazy, but I appreciate that. Because again, when sometimes people are like, your sense of self or your self-awareness, I've never seen. And I'm just like, who do y'all be interacting with? I appreciate you thinking that I have an evolved way of thinking about that, but it's like I just be trying to like rationalize with myself.
Gowri: Yeah, like make sense of things, right? Like I think making sense of things and also just how do you keep living life when all this is happening and how do you make sense of it and in a way that like is palatable where you can move forward. It doesn't go away. It doesn't go away. It's not like it's not there. It's just that sometimes the way we frame things, right, like really helps digest and unpack it and, you know, allows you to actually move forward and live this bigger life and not feel encumbered, you know, and enjoy it.
Cierra: and like just not wanting to you know succumb to like the rat race of the world and just being able to say I came and I and I saw and I had a good time while I was doing this thing called life and I was kind and you know and making you know good impressions on people. I just I felt like I just had a good southern wholesome upbringing in a sense you know. I learned valuable things from my dad like I know how to change a tire, you know, good as, you know, some of the best of them. Put me on a NASCAR pit crew or something, you know? I always just kind of like took what was valuable and necessary out of all these situations and put them in my tool bag so I could work with them later. I'm very family-oriented, you know what I'm saying? I always tell people, I am not finna be out here embarrassing my mother, whether you know her or not. Yeah, and I just feel like, you know, it's just been kind of a journey of just, Remember knowing who I am, remembering who I am, and also leaving a little room for me to always be a little bit of something else because, you know, I got it in me.