Akemi Look, a rhythmic gymnast turned actor, shares her journey of trauma, abuse, and healing, including a life-changing accident that forced her to confront her past and reclaim her voice. Through therapy, medication, and support from friends and family, Akemi navigates her path to self-discovery, finding strength and resilience as she prepares to embark on the journey of motherhood.
Welcome to Sense of Self, a podcast where we explore the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what happens when those stories stop working. In this episode, I had the privilege of chatting with Akemi Look, a multi-talented actor, producer, and writer based in Los Angeles. Akemi's journey is one of resilience, healing, and self-discovery.
We delved into Akemi's childhood, where she shared her experiences of growing up half-Japanese, half-Chinese in Michigan. She opened up about the challenges she faced, including racial taunts and the struggle to assimilate in a predominantly white community. At the age of 10, Akemi set her sights on becoming a rhythmic gymnast, driven by a deep desire to prove her worth and be accepted as "American enough." She recounted the grueling training regimen, the sacrifices she made, and the pressure she felt to succeed. Akemi's dedication to her sport led her to represent the United States in international competitions, but it came at a cost.
Our conversation took a poignant turn as Akemi shared about a life-altering accident that shattered her face and forced her to confront deep-seated trauma. This event became a turning point in her healing journey, prompting her to slow down, reflect, and prioritize her well-being. Akemi's vulnerability in discussing her struggles with mental health, addiction, and trauma highlighted the importance of self-care and seeking help.
We also explored Akemi's relationship with her family, particularly her journey towards forgiveness and understanding with her parents. The role of friends, her husband, and her own inner strength in supporting her through difficult times was a testament to the power of community and resilience.
As we wrapped up our conversation, Akemi reflected on her growth and transformation, describing herself as a bright, hopeful person ready to shine her light. Her journey from self-doubt to self-acceptance is an inspiring reminder of the healing power of self-discovery.
Thank you for listening to Akemi’s story, and for being a part of our community. Tune in next week for episode 2 of season 1, and please subscribe. You can learn more about us at www.senseofselfpod.com and follow us for updates on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/sense.of.self.pod/.
You can check out what Akemi is up to next here:
Episode Credits:
Produced by Andrew Coles. Elizabeth Rose. Allison Keeley, and Dr. Gowri Aragam.
Edited by: Ben Montoya
Mixed by: Aja Simpson
Music from: Blue Dot Sessions
Logo, branding, and graphic design by: Melanie Kwan
Sense of Self is a podcast from The Mission Entertainment.
Gowri: Welcome to Sense of Self, a podcast about the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what happens when they stop working. I'm your host, Dr. Gowri Aragam.
Akemi: There was this sort of like guttural rage that came up in one of the press conferences that I did that I was like, I have never heard myself sound like that with the sort of grief and rage in my voice. That was so powerful. And I felt like I had, oh my gosh, I had found my voice. And then immediately it was just like taken away from me and I was silenced.
Gowri: In today's episode, I chat with Akemi Look, an actor, producer, and writer based in Los Angeles. When Akemi was 10 years old, she knew exactly what she wanted to be, a rhythmic gymnast representing the United States. We talked about how she achieved that goal and what it cost her. We also talked about an accident that changed the course of her life and made her acutely aware of the layers of abuse she hadn't fully processed. My conversation with Akemi made me think differently about how to embrace healing and build a joyful life that is so much bigger than the pain of our past. And just as a heads up, this podcast episode contains discussions about sexual trauma and suicidal ideation, which may be distressing or triggering for some listeners. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please seek help from a mental health professional or contact a crisis helpline. It's important to note that these discussions do not constitute mental health care. Each guest has given their consent to participate, has had full control over what aspects of their journey were shared, and either currently engages in therapy or has done so in the past. Would you mind sharing with us just your full name and maybe where you grew up?
Akemi: Yes, my name is Taryn Akemi-Look. I was born in New York City and raised in a suburb of Detroit, Michigan, and currently residing in Los Angeles. And do you know the meaning behind your name? Well, Akemi, my middle name, means dawn in Japanese, the new day. And then in Chinese, it's the same kanji, it's the same characters, but my Chinese name is Ming Mei, which means bright and beautiful. I'm half Chinese, half Japanese. Both my parents were born in the U.S. My grandmother was also born here in the U.S. So I'm fourth gen. We call it Yonsei, but I'm fourth generation Japanese American.
Gowri: And so, and then how about Taryn, where is that? What is the meaning of that?
Akemi: Yeah, Taryn came from a soap opera in the 70s called Paper Dolls that my mother was obsessed with. She was a fashion designer at the time and she just fell in love with the name. So that's how I ended up with Taryn.
Gowri: Oh, that's amazing. And right now your professional name, you go by Akemi, is that right?
Akemi: I go by Akemi now.
Gowri: Can you share with us what inspired that?
Akemi: I started going by Akemi in, I would say, college. I really wanted to choose my own path, choose my own name. And I had a lot of identity crises, I would say, growing up in Michigan as an Asian American girl. Also, Taryn was what I went by when I was a gymnast. I was on the US national team for rhythmic gymnastics. That was a big part of my life, which we'll get into later. But when I went to college, I really wanted to separate myself from my past in a big way. For me to embark on my own artistic journey, I was like, well, if I'm going to be an artist and I get to choose, I would like to go by my middle name. which has ties to my Asian ancestry and it gave me a sense of pride in who I am.
Gowri: Would you mind telling me what it was like growing up in Michigan? How old were you when you moved there?
Akemi: Yeah, I was about four. So it was pretty early when we moved from New York to Michigan. So most of grade school from basically, I would say, kindergarten through high school. And then I did two years at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. But it was, you know, it was hard. It was tough because there weren't, I didn't have Asian American community. You know, there were a few students of color in my in my high school, but not a lot. And so it was really hard, you know, growing up, my my brother and I would, you know, get the the school bus taunts of kids pulling their eyes back and things like that, where it was like all of a sudden I was like, why are we getting made fun of? And why are my eyes different? And why am I getting made fun of for my eyes? So it was one of those things that at a very young age, I felt like I was an outsider.
Gowri: Did you ever tell your parents this was happening?
Akemi: I did, yeah. Specifically one day coming home from school and it happened on the school bus. I remember telling my parents and I think they confronted one of the neighbors about it. But it was tough. It was one of those things that also like It sometimes becomes internalized. As a teenager, there was a lot of not wanting to be Asian. And now I'm so proud of being Asian American. I really love and embrace my identity now. It's a big part of my life.
Gowri: Yeah, and I can only imagine the journey to get there, right? Because like you're saying, I think you're alluding to all this, that it wasn't always like that, obviously. And not only wasn't always like that, but it was actually the opposite. And so I'm just curious, you know, like when you're growing up in a place like that and you're getting those taunts and you're confused as to, wait, why is this happening? What was your explanation as to why it was happening?
Akemi: I had zero explanation why. I just felt very much like I was alone and invisible and very much a minority. Now looking back, it was so reflected in so much media too, the invisibility aspect of it. Because when I wanted to become an actress, I remember my mom saying, look on TV or on magazines or movies, do you see anyone that looks like you? Honestly, at that time, besides Lucy Liu, no, there was one. It was really this impossible dream where it was like, there's no one that looks like you in media whatsoever. A lot of my peers, my Asian-American peers, feel also invisible as well.
Gowri: It sounds like on one hand, your parents really stood up for you with a neighbor, which is the opposite of invisible, right? It's the opposite of not making waves. It's actually showing up and being defensive and protective. Did they ever provide you with sort of any perspective or an explanation as to what was going on or how to make sense of it?
Akemi: Well, at least my mom very much was like, maybe they're just ignorant. There was no justification that she could give to as to why, you know, these kids were doing that. But the effect that it had on me was that I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted to be as invisible as possible just to not stand out. And then there's this Japanese saying that the nail that sticks out gets hammered down. So for a lot of my school years, I really sort of kind of tried to be as withdrawn as possible and pour myself into my gymnastics training and really just put my head down and focus on school and focus on my gymnastics career. So that was one of those things where I I wasn't able to really confront that. I think I more just sort of like pulled away and was like, I just don't want to stick out.
Gowri: Yeah. And I'm curious, you know, we talked about how usually you're half Japanese and half Chinese. What does it mean to be Asian American to you? Japanese American, Chinese American?
Akemi: I would say you know it it does look different for everyone and everyone's identity journey is so so personal to them but i would say for me it's you know carrying on the legacy of my family and my family stories and my family history is continuing those stories because our stories are so powerful also the anecdote that i give is that The only fights, fights, I put that in quotes, but that we would have were what kind of rice we would have at dinner because there's Chinese rice and Japanese rice. And so depending on the type of protein we would have, there would be this like debate about which rice would go better with that dinner. My Chinese grandma had such a preference for, of course, like Chinese rice. And my Japanese grandma was like, Oh, Chinese rice is so dry. So it's, it's funny.
Gowri: Okay, so culture revolved a bit around food or differences in food, even like what seem maybe small, but actually are a big deal in terms of the differences in food. And, you know, maybe I can ask it in this way, actually. So for you to assimilate and to push away being Asian, what did that mean you had to push away in your mind?
Akemi: You know, it's interesting because neither of my parents really speak an Asian language. They were both born here. So language was something that was assimilated out of our family very early on. So I grew up not even being really exposed to any Asian language. I mean, I feel like I was, I was born assimilated like right out of the womb because I feel like I grew up very, very Americanized with Asian American parents with who didn't have accents and who didn't have really like their own strong Asian American identity. For me it was sort of the opposite where I really had to learn a lot about my family. We had some traditions that got passed down like Japanese New Year. We do that every year and it's a really big celebration and then Chinese New Year. I remember doing Chinese New Year and now we call it Lunar New Year. But, you know, other than those two things, it was very much like, that's about it. So my journey was sort of like anti-assimilation in a way of like relearning and reclaiming my culture.
Gowri: And it sounds like maybe part of the quote unquote fitting in when you were younger was more of a delay of that anti-assimilation.
Akemi: Yeah. And one of the interesting things, you know, it's like, so when I think about also wanting to assimilate, but it was more like I wanted to be accepted as American enough. And part of that was, you know, I went to go to the Olympics in 1996. I was 10 years old and I fell in love with this sport, rhythmic gymnastics. And I remember being like, gosh, how cool would it be to have someone like me win a gold medal like Christy Yamaguchi or Michelle Kwan? They are American enough. They are wearing the American flag. They are being hailed as these American sports heroes. And I was like, that is my, in my 10-year-old brain, I was like, that is my way to be accepted as American enough. My dream became being an Olympian and going to the Olympics and representing the United States internationally at the Olympics, which that didn't end up happening, but I did represent the United States in international competitions all over the world. So that did happen. And it gave me a sense of pride because I never felt like I was accepted to be American enough until I started really like, oh, I am representing my country. And that gave me a sense of pride in my identity.
Gowri: Even your grandma was Japanese American. And so if we could just kind of rewind a little bit and talk a bit about that. Yeah.
Akemi: So her story is very much about forced assimilation. So my Japanese grandmother, she was in the Japanese American concentration camps from the age of 14 to 18. Her entire family, and also my grandfather and his entire family, were also in the camps. And when they got out, there was so much shame of being Japanese American, of being associated with the enemy, of being seen as the enemy, even though they were American, that very much her generation, which we call the Nisei generation, forced themselves to prove by shunning anything related to being Japanese to prove their Americanness. So there was a lot of intergenerational trauma of forced assimilation that got passed down. So my grandma didn't really pass down, didn't force her kids to speak Japanese. It was very much like English only for survival, assimilation as survival.
Gowri: Yeah, for the sake of survival, for the sake of safety is a big word that comes up in all these conversations that I have in this setting, right? Because so much kind of the organizing principle, for lack of a better way of putting it, in a lot of these stories and what you're describing right now, right, is how do we maintain safety? It can be a learned trait as well.
Akemi: Yeah, like blend in. How do you just sort of like be as unassuming as possible? I think that was really a big part of that for my grandma's generation and that also got passed down.
Gowri: Yeah, and I think the idea of blending in, of being unassuming, of being demure, that's something that I think has gotten more attention even in the past decade around the Asian American experience specifically. And I think what you're getting at here now is like, hey, there is that, but what is the impact of that on an individual level? it sounds like you're very clear now on how so much of the desire to not just be assimilated in the way that... I know for me, for example, the idea of my parents having an accent was a big deal. It was really difficult for people to understand them, for example. That was not something you were dealing with, but in my mind, that was the height of assimilation to some degree. Not actually, but to some degree. It was like, oh, if we don't have an accent, that's the height of assimilation. Or if I had shorter hair, that's the height of assimilation. But for you, I think it's like, no, no, no. Even all that's not enough. It doesn't feel like enough because I'm still being taunted. And so I'm going to get this stamp of approval with the literal flag around my body. There's no question.
Akemi: Literally all day, every day, waving that flag.
Gowri: There's no mistaking this now. And we say it, we're kind of laughing. because sometimes you can't do anything but laugh, but it was very real. Children, they have their understanding of what is going to keep them safe. For you, something about that resonated enough that you were like that.
Akemi: Yeah. It brings up also when you're a child and someone asks you, where are you from? It's like the where are you from question. No, where are you really from? Then it's just like them trying to figure out how to ask what ethnic background I am. Of course, we didn't have the words back then. the 90s and early 2000s to have that conversation, which now I feel like people are able to talk about it in a way that's not offensive or not like, what do you mean where am I from? Are you trying to tell me that I'm not from here? Or your English is so good and you're like, yeah, I was born here. I'm American. Yeah, it's fascinating.
Gowri: If you had to look back and describe who Akemi was when she was 10 years old, how would you describe yourself?
Akemi: Shy, hopeful, curious, yearning to be seen and yearning to be heard. I didn't feel like I was enough. I always felt like I had to prove myself, prove my self-worth. I think I really had to work on that because I had pretty low self-worth for a lot of, I think, a lot of my life until I really went through my healing journey that I was like, okay, this is something that's a lot deeper than these sort of external validation or successes. It's something that I really need to look in the mirror and examine what my sense of self is. I mean, I think that's the real work is for me learning and understanding and really believing that I am enough.
Gowri: I'm sure a lot of 10 year old girls are like, I want to be a rhythmic gymnast. But then you actually went and did it. Can you tell us about how that happened?
Akemi: Yeah. So I mean, I just I just worked my ass off. I became fully obsessed and committed to the craft, the beauty, the sport, my entire life. from the age of 10 until 16 revolved around being in the gym, training. And I really kind of poured all of my life force and time and focus into that because I wanted to reach this pinnacle of what I thought would make me enough. At 15, I moved away from home. I joined the group national team and we lived in Lake Placid, New York at the Olympic Training Center. I was the youngest member of the group. It felt like very much aligned with what I thought I wanted, but it was grueling. I mean, it was like we would train 10 hours a day sometimes. The training practices and training regimen at that time what would now be considered incredibly abusive. We were forced to train on injuries. I competed at world championships with a broken rib. I had to sign a waiver at 16 that said, if your rib breaks off and punctures your lung and you die, none of us will be held responsible. Holy crap.
Gowri: You're 16 years old?
Akemi: 16. I begged my parents to sign it so I could compete at World Championships, which would be the biggest competition of my entire career. I was like, well, if I don't do this, I'm going to let the entire team down. I'm going to let the entire country down in my, you know, 16 year old brain.
Gowri: A lot of pressure, especially when you're that age. Yeah.
Akemi: Yeah. And it was a hard time. It was a hard time because at the time my coach didn't believe me that I was injured. I was in excruciating pain and she would be like, you're lying and you're just trying to get out of practice and you're lazy. And so I pushed through it and it got to the point where I'd be laying in bed And I couldn't breathe because when you breathe, your ribs expand. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't lie down. And finally, they did an MRI. And they're like, oh, it's fractured. I had been competing on it, training on it, all of that. I think that was one of the things where I felt like I was expressing my pain and it wasn't being heard and I was being very much gaslit about it. In my head, I'd be like, am I crazy? It was one of those things that I was like, wow, why did I do that? That's the self-sacrifice that I felt like I had to do in order to not let anyone down. That was a very, very challenging time, I would say.
Gowri: Well, yeah, it's not just anyone, right? Because what you've just said is that this was not just a sport to you. This was not just a group activity to you. This was not just the Olympics. This was your way of staying safe, proving who you were, being legitimate, being enough. There was a lot riding on this, right?
Akemi: It was like my entire life purpose from the age of 10 years old. And it was like I wasn't about to Throw it away. I didn't want to be a quitter. That was like a big one too. It was like, you know, you know, one of those things where it was like, well, I could quit the team and I had gotten that far and I was so close to achieving my dream. I didn't want to be a quitter and. that was also hard to grapple with, too, because it's like, at what cost, you know?
Gowri: Well, that's the question, right? In terms of the what cost, it's not something we usually kind of are aware of in the moment when it's happening, right? Because it feels like it doesn't matter what cost. And I think the part that really is painful about that is when you're experiencing something that is that painful and someone who's supposed to be looking out for you tells you you're lying.
Akemi: Mm-hmm.
Gowri: There's so much about that that can be so damaging. But first and foremost, it is a real tragedy because it really makes you stop believing yourself and the cues that your body and that your mind are giving you about the safety of a situation. It was actually taking away from your sense of safety and sense of who you are because she was telling you not to listen to yourself.
Akemi: Yeah, it manifested itself also in my adulthood where I would I would push my body past its breaking point and you know we talk about burnout in this day and age where We are so disconnected from our bodies. We're so disconnected from really tuning in and listening, like, oh, what does my body actually need? We're going, going, going, going, going. And because of that, there's no chance to stop and check in. And I almost felt like there was this fear that I had that if I stopped, I would completely fall apart. I was afraid to slow down. I was afraid to stop because then all the demons would catch up with me. Everything would come up. It manifested in various addictions. It manifested in abuse of alcohol and drugs and partying. I really just wanted to run as fast as I could. At some point, your body will shut down. Your body, sometimes if you don't stop it, it will stop you. For me, it was I had an accident in 2018. I was doing Tai Chi. It was right after the Larry Nassar sentencing, which I had attended and flown to to be there for. And I came back. I was doing a Tai Chi class to sort of help me process the trauma. I had never done Tai Chi before, but I was standing doing this pose, very simple pose called grief pose with my arms out to the side. and all of a sudden I just blacked out, went careening chin first into the concrete and shattered my face. My chin was the only thing breaking the fall. It was the time when my body was just like, nope, I'm going to stop you right there. As an actress and as a performer and someone who has to be in front of the camera, I thought that I was never going to be able to act again or even speak again because I had facial paralysis. I went through multiple facial surgeries. I still have metal plates in my face. Luckily, through diction exercises that I learned in my acting training, I was able to sort of learn how to speak again, but I still struggle. And that was something that it forced me to stop. Like, I literally could not speak. And it was right after I felt like I had found my voice to coming forward as a Larry Nassar survivor coming, speaking up. There was a, there was this sort of like guttural rage that came up in one of the press conferences that I did that I was like, I have never heard myself sound like that with the sort of grief and rage in my voice. That was so powerful and I felt like I had, oh my gosh, I'd found my voice. And then immediately it was just like taken away from me and I was silenced in a way. And that was just a wild, a wild spiritual journey to be on.
Gowri: I know you said there was a spiritual journey in terms of understanding how could this have happened? Why would something this traumatic happen right after I gained my voice with the other traumatic thing that happened? This is not right. This is not fair.
Akemi: This is not just like... Yeah, it's like on top of everything. I was just like, wait a minute. I just went to hell and back and now I have to deal with this. But it was interesting because it almost gave me The processing of my childhood sexual abuse, it was sort of like an invisible scar. And now it was like I had something physical to heal. The lawsuit was so long. I really tried to push through it. I tried to compartmentalize. I was still auditioning. I was still trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. And so I didn't properly give myself the space and time to process all of that trauma that was coming up. And I would get triggered so often. And I was just trying to, again, run away from it by pouring myself into work. And this, I think, for me, was a way for my body to be like, girl, you need to slow the fuck down. You need to stop. And you need to process this. You need to heal. And in some ways, it was a blessing because I don't know if I would have stopped or if I would have had that space or even given myself permission to have that space and time, those years, to really not only physically heal, but spiritually heal, psychologically heal, to go through trauma therapy, and to give myself permission to really not do anything except for focus on my healing.
Gowri: Yeah. And I, one, thanks for sharing what you did about, you know, being a survivor in that way. interesting because I have patients where when I talk to them, there's a real anger that comes with that. Because like you said, right? It's you felt you had to keep going to run away from it or to not have to acknowledge that that was the reality. People say sacred rage, right? And this is the rage of you. It's the rage of your family members, your past generations. And that's oftentimes where that kind of phrase comes from. And in what you're sharing, that really comes through, right? This idea of this rage is not just yours. It feels like it belongs to a whole line of people in your family that you are expressing.
Akemi: Absolutely. Especially as women, I think the female ancestral rage that we are you know, forced to suppress, it's a lot. And so being able to express that in a safe way is so important, which is also why I became an actor. For me, that was such an outlet for me to be able to express these huge emotions in a safe way, having those modes of expression to really release those and process and feel, give myself permission to feel those feelings allowed me to sit with them and heal them.
Gowri: One thing I was curious about is if you can remember after what you experienced in terms of the abuse, do you remember how you felt about yourself?
Akemi: Yeah, I mean, I remember just being really confused. I buried that memory so, so far deep because, you know, after years of pushing those, the things down, minimizing those memories, it was, I think afterwards, I think I questioned my reality a lot. The questioning of like my own reality that had a huge impact on my sense of self. But at that time, I think I really was like, I think I was also too young to understand.
Gowri: That makes a lot of sense. And, you know, what's so dangerous about when we're made to question our reality is, you know, we stop trusting ourselves. And when we don't trust ourselves, we end up looking to others to guide us, to protect us, and just, you know, provide answers. Do you remember in those times of stress and confusion, was there anyone that you looked to?
Akemi: I listened to you know, my coaches and my doctors and my parents, it was like the people in authority positions that knew much better than I did. One of the reality of it is that I know myself better than anyone.
Gowri: You mentioned that you were part of the trial you testified, then this happened to you where you blacked out and fell and hurt yourself. Would you mark that as sort of the first, for lack of better expression, kind of wake up call as to, oh, wow.
Akemi: Yeah. Oh, for sure. As I was blacked out and on the ground and my chin shattered, this wave of peace and calm came over me and almost gratitude. And I don't know. I don't know the kind of person I would have been if I continued to go at the pace that I was going and not wanting to look back.
Gowri: When something like that happens and you have that wave of calm, which is very telling, right? It's a sign to yourself that, oh, I guess some part of me has been waiting for this. Not this specifically, obviously, but the chance as you're talking about to pause. I would love to chat a bit about what that looked like for you in the years going forward, because obviously there was the physical therapy, the physical healing that you had to go through and endure. But we started this conversation with you talking about how a lot of this also related to you reclaiming your Asian American identity or your Asian identity.
Akemi: Also my voice. It was almost like the spiritual message was, yes, you found your voice, but you need to go deep within yourself, heal, process, and think about what it is you want to do with this new voice, this power that you have, this new sort of unlocking of finding your voice. And I really sat with that. It gave me time to reflect on what is it that I want to say? What is it that I want to do with my voice now? And I don't think I really reflected on that before. It was a lot of just like, you know, getting out rage and getting out grief and just sort of like saying these things without the consideration of intention. And I think that forced me to be more intentional about what I was putting out into the world.
Gowri: What did that look like? Were you journaling? Were you sitting by yourself? Were you talking to friends?
Akemi: Well, it's interesting because before the accident, I really was a mess. It was right after I came forward in 2016. There was just two years before the accident. I was just so acting out of pain and very much suicidal during that time. struggling. And I, for the first time, went to see an Asian female psychiatrist. And I had been very much anti-medication. And culturally, she was able to reach me in a way that helped me understand why I was so scared or anti-medication to go on medication. But she helped me feel comfortable enough to do that. So I went on antidepressants. And I remember about a week or two after taking it and feeling this weight lift over me and seeing the world in a different light and waking up one day and not feeling like this heaviness, I remember just sobbing and being like, holy shit, I wish that I did this sooner for myself. of course, a grieving period for me because I was so scared of the stigma. I was so scared of being ashamed of that something was wrong with me. That was a big thing for me to go through and realize, no, it's okay. That was a big eye-opener.
Gowri: Thanks for sharing all that. I'm curious, in all of this, what role, if any, did your family play?
Akemi: Um, so right after I came forward, I had a very strange relationship with my parents. They didn't want me to come forward. They were very much like, why do you want to bring this upon yourself? Why do you want to reopen old wounds? And it was difficult because I had to go on this journey alone. When I went to the sentencing, I went by myself. And everyone else was surrounded by their parents and families. And that was extremely hard. You know, now my parents have come around and my mom has come around and she realized that she couldn't show up for me because she was dealing with her own shame with not being able to protect me. And I think I was able to forgive her for that. they've come around and they've read resources about how to support survivors. It's so funny, I remember my mom sent me an article one day and the article was like, 10 things not to say to survivors of sexual assault. She sent it to me and she was like, oh, I said all of these things to you. That's so endearing. She said, I've said all of these things to you. It was like on Instagram too. She was like, oh, oops. She's also grown a lot through this journey. Yeah.
Gowri: It sounds like it. It sounds like as much as you're by yourself, you had witnesses. There are people who were watching you do that and probably being inspired by you.
Akemi: Yeah, I mean I had some really, really close friends who showed up and really, really helped me process and held space with me and I am so forever grateful to those people who and to those friends who showed up for me. And of course, my husband who supported me and then nursed me back to health and was my caretaker during that time. I wouldn't be alive without him, truly.
Gowri: When did you get married? When was that?
Akemi: So I got married two years ago, but my husband and I have been together for 12 years. And I'm expecting a baby girl in September. And so this next journey of motherhood is going to be very, very beautiful and exciting. And I do feel so, so grateful to have gone through this healing journey and to be able to now sort of raise a baby girl with the knowledge and healing wisdom that I have now.
Gowri: Maybe one way we could end is, I know I asked you earlier, who is 10-year-old Akemi? And I'm curious, today, if you had to describe Akemi, what would you say?
Akemi: Yeah, well, one of the things that I really loved about some of the healing work that I was able to do was there was a moment in time where I remember talking to my 10-year-old self and holding her hand and saying, I'm here for you. I got you. You're safe with me." I think she was afraid, diminished. And there was this, you know, this inner light that really wanted to shine and never really had the permission to, except, you know, when I was competing. I think now she's just like this bright little hopeful, curious being who just wants to shine her light.
Gowri: Thank you so much for sharing everything you did today.
Akemi: Thank you so much for holding space and giving me the space to share my story. It's really an honor to be here. And I'm so grateful that these spaces exist for us to have these kinds of discussions.
Gowri: Thank you all for listening to Akemi's story. We hope you enjoyed it and that you tune in for our second episode of season one of Sense of Self next week. You can learn more online at senseofselfpod.com and on Instagram at senseofselfpodcast.
Sense of Self is a podcast from The Mission Entertainment.
This episode was produced by Andrew Coles, Elizabeth Rose, Allison Keeley, and myself, Gowri Aragam. It was edited by Ben Montoya and mixed by Aja Simpson with music from Blue Dot Sessions.